Single & Searching

Confession time. One of the things I liked about being in Uganda was how much I actually felt like a woman.

Wearing a long skirt was a must if I was to maintain my Christian integrity throughout my stay, especially in villages. In Ugandan culture, a woman’s chest area isn’t nearly the sexual attraction as it is in The United States (though I’m convinced it’s somehow still an attraction). They’re more about just what’s from the waist down. Wearing a pair of pants (or, trousers as they call them) is considered to be very revealing.

I could get away with wearing trousers since most Ugandans understand that American women wear trousers. But for the sake of blending in and not being stared at by men, I did my best to wear skirts as much as possible. And to be honest, I enjoyed wearing skirts more than trousers. I felt prettier. More like a lady. Less like a Wild West Calamity Jane.

And not only FEELING more like a lady, I felt I was TREATED more like a lady. Many compliments about my smart (fashionable) attire, my smile, and sometimes even my hair (although, there were plenty of times my Ugandan friends pointed out the wild personality of my hair… usually by mid-day… the risk of having whimsical hair).

One of the temptations was often being TOO well admired and appreciated. I must say, Uganda has many attractive and polite gentlemen. A dangerous combination for a single woman in a country where polygamy, though not encouraged by the government, appears to be legal… and pure, romantic affections and courtship tends to be secretive.

Though I may not be 100% accurate in my investigation of local culture (and not all situations are alike), here are my observations and findings regarding matters of the heart:

SECRECY is key to the dating game, at least in southwest Uganda. When someone has a real boyfriend or girlfriend who they think they may marry someday, it is important that they do not publicly acknowledge the relationship or tell their family. The reason for the secrecy is to protect both people in the relationship from humiliation. If the relationship were to end, it could be considered a disappointment to relatives and also hurt the reputation of one or both persons in the relationship.

So what does the path to marriage look like? When do families finally find out who a person’s spouse will be? Follow along…

Introduction: This is when a couple who has been seriously dating makes a formal public declaration of their intent to marry. The introduction usually takes place at the home of the man’s family to ensure that he is certain about his decision and to ensure that he will appear for the introduction. An introduction is similar to an engagement, only it bears much more weight in Uganda than it does in the United States. Either person in the relationship can still change their mind and decide not to marry, but it is highly uncommon. A person who decides to exit the relationship after being introduced is likely to be thought of as a crazy person. It is common for couples to have one or two children before they are introduced. This is partly due to prove that the woman is fertile (unfortunately, not everyone understands that a man can be the infertile one). Also, a couple may begin referring to each other as husband & wife at this point, even though they have not yet had a formal legal wedding ceremony. According to Ugandan culture, couples are not granted permission to marry unless a bride-price or dowry has been negotiated and agreed upon with the father of the bride-to-be. If the man cannot afford the bride-price for the woman he wants to marry, he must find another woman to marry. This can lead people to marrying primarily for financial reasons rather than for compatibility of personality, personal goals & interests, etc. Money that is given as the bride-price will later be used by the bride-to-be’s family to buy the couple gifts to help them furnish their home as a newlywed couple. Since wedding ceremonies can be so expensive, some couples never progress to being legally married. But their recognition as husband & wife by family and friends, along with their faithfulness to one another, can still remain.

Giveaway: The giveaway is a special party where friends and family of the couple gather to celebrate the upcoming wedding ceremony. Several months (and sometimes years) may pass between the introduction and the giveaway. The giveaway usually takes place one or two days before the wedding ceremony. At this time, friends and family bring gifts to help furnish the home of the newlywed couple. (Remember, the bride’s family uses the bride-price for this.)

Wedding Ceremony: Finally, the big day has arrived! The ceremony itself can last a few hours, with singing, dancing, Scripture reading, sermon, communion, & plenty of photos. Men wear finely tailored suits and the women wear brightly colored dresses. The fashion-sense of the wedding party tends to have a Western culture influence. Wedding guests are dressed in their smartest attire, some more traditional than others. (“Smart” is the word Ugandans use to describe someone who is well-dressed or highly fashionable.) The reception that follows includes many speeches from close friends and relatives. Wedding guests enjoy a great feast. And don’t forget the cake. Cake is usually cut into small pieces and is served to guests by the bride and groom. Guests only take a small amount, so there is no great need to remind people to “save room for cake!” There is usually plenty of cake left over that is wrapped and given to close relatives and special friends as a gift from the bride and groom. Speaking of gifts, wedding guests personally present their gifts to the bride & groom at the appropriate designated time. What else? More celebrating as the bride & groom, wedding party, and guests DANCE, DANCE, DANCE the night away!

So there it is. In a nutshell. My take on the Ugandan migration from the life of being single to “happily ever after.”

I always felt it important to press my male friends to inform me about their marital or real dating status. And I always tried to emphasize the importance of being told the TRUTH. As in The United States, you never want to be caught being too friendly with a married man or a man who may be secretly dating one of your female friends. That would be terrible!!!

This American bachelorette came home to Ohio, still single & searching.